on freedom and love

Free Soul. Almost.


The past week had been the most liberating time for me. For a long time now, I've kept my hapiness and bliss to myself. Its been long years of my heart wanting to be heard by others, especially my family. I've never told anyone in my family how happy I am in love.

I guess, it's my way of creating my own sacred space. Amidst the small musings and random rantings of the rest of my siblings about their lives as adults, I'd like to be able to go to that one corner, that one space where I can breathe and smell the scent of love and hapiness for myself. In that little space my gratefulness to Him grows everyday. Now, I always have a thankful heart.

On the other hand, maybe I am just scared. I'm scared to show my family that my walls have fallen. I am scared that they would no longer see me as a head strong woman but a fragile little girl who blushes everytime she hears stories of love. They have always looked up to me as a strong and cynical woman. I would always put up a face of courage and cynicism about the ways of the world. Lecturing my 'young apprentices' about not falling for the wrong man. How I would not or never be foolish in love. I guess this is my day of reckoning, my strong fortress have fallen and I have fell into the hole of foolish love. I am no longer scared. Because I've always believed in the character of genuine love. It really does make you a better person. And only when you experience genuine love that you can give all of yourself to others.

I believe that loving is an act of bravery, an act of the will, and nothing can move the will inside you than your very own heart and mind, together. It is not some random fleeting feeling of being in love. To me I look at it this way, I will to love someone. I've always believed that love is more than feeling. It is a decision that one makes. A stand that you wish to hold as long as you believe it is right.

I guess this blog is just to celebrate a little bit of my heart's freedom. That being in love is not necessarily equated to being weak and fragile but its actually the other way around.

Now, I will welcome the rest of my loved ones to my soul. Free. At last.

The Extinction of Youth

The Marriage* Bandwagon

Pisses me off.

Kids as young as 15 proudly say in their profiles that they are "married"! Can somebody please explain to me what that means?

I believe this is a sign --a sign that youth and innocence is slowly going toward extinction. Why is it that today, the youth tries so hard to expedite the whole journey of being young? Is it because of everything that Pop Culture feeds us? Is it because of how sex is marketed to the young?

You know, my dear kids, being young is not so bad after all. To be young is to be free from life long responsibilities. To be young is to be beautiful in every sense of the word. To be young is to be adventurous. To be young is to have that spark of innocence in ones eyes. To be young is to experience friendships formed through the same color of a shirt. To be young is to experience the world without any attachments from anyone or any commitment. To be young again is what most people, who have reached the destination of what most young people want to be in so soon, wishes every single day. To be young is indeed one of life's greatest offerings.

So now, people, why is it that every young person I know rushes into leaving the very convenient confines of youth?

Most of them are, either in a commited and very serious relationship, in between serious relationships, wishing to be in one, or rushing into marriage for the wrong reasons. I pray for the day I understand.

Somehow I really believe that the media is one of the most influential factors why these things happen to young people. They are lead to believe that being in a relationship requires you to be intimate to your partner right away, right now, no matter how young, how stupid, or naive you are. They are lead to believe that beautiful love-making like in the movies would not result to anything that is not beautiful. Like unwanted pregnancies, teenage abortions, early marriages that lead to disfunctional families. Disfuntional families which lead to toubled children. And the vicious cycle goes on.

The advent of the "american heiress" brings a lot of young girls into wishing that they have the same lives as these pop icons/heiresses have. Hence, a life of unbridled materialism and sexual promiscuity seems to be the "in" thing to do. The only difference is that in the western world, these heiresses are wiser than these young girls from "developing" countries think. They play and play safely(I suppose). In developing countries such as my own, the Philippines, young people don't seem to think that having sex will result to having a baby. No matter how prevalent it is around them, it just won't happen to them. That's the common thinking.

My dear friends, it only takes one, not two, not three, but one strong and healthy swimmer to have a baby. In case you still are not aware of that.

On the other hand, it could also be that they do know that sex will result to having a baby, that's why they are doing it.. To get out of mom and dad's care and be in love forever with Highschool Sweetheart singing, Love Will Keep Us Alive.

But you know my friends, this is hardly the case. Young marriages lead to extended families at home. In the end it's not Love that kept these young couples alive, but its Dad. So they should have been singing Dad will Keep us Alive instead! Because the family unit becomes bigger, inner factions within the extended family happen and these breeds disturbed and unhealthy children in the future. Sigh.

Am I making sense to you my dear reader? Would you still join the bandwagon?

Please have a little respect to those who wish to be married for the right reasons, being totally prepared to make the commitment of Marriage. Don't destroy the idea for them.

My dear youth, please stay right where you are. You are looking at adulthood through rose-colored glasses. It's not as pink and beautiful as you see it to be. Stay there while it lasts.

Not So WOW Philippines

A couple of nights ago, whilst couch potato-eing in my comfy couch, I was flipping through channels and happened to see a very familiar sight of my homeland....

Only it wasn't the good news Ive been waiting to hear for the longest time.

A chaotic picture of my fellow Kababayans flaunting GMA dummies, and blatantly disrespectful placards with the words, "GMA is a liar." suddenly flashed through the news brief and somehow my thoughts got lost within the voice over. What has happend to my country?

Looking back, I don't believe we ever had "golden years" in our political history. It's a long and never -ending story of political factions and partisan politics of all these trapos who have nothing to do but to point accusatory fingers to anybody as long as that move will move them up the political ladder. Pathetic.

It's a very very pitiful sight that "the people" are blindedly leaded to the path towards the 'new tomorrow'. All these key figures to this anti-arroyo protests don't have any concrete alternative solutions to the long-term problems that beset our country now. They are all just building sandcastles in the sky. Whoever 'people' these stupid trapos and showbiz personalities are talking about, I refuse to take part of it. I don't believe that they can restore the 'power' to the' people' when they use all these poor uneducated masses to rally behind their cause at 300 pesos a day. Now that is called monetary power. Being able to mobilize a person in exchange for money, making use of a person's financial situation to get what you want. But ask what their cause is, -- remove the president. It's always got to be that -- Oust the President! There's no other solution to any kind of problem in our country but to -- Oust the President. Ridiculous.

All that these ridiculously stupid people see is the problem right in front of them. Suppose that GMA resigns, will everything be oh so fine and working in the Philippines? Who will be the replacement? Again, stupidity seems to be their only guiding principle. It won't be the Vice-President as our beloved constitution dictates, but Susan Roces a confused widow, Eddie Gil another lunatic, Ping Lacson, Frank Drillon....

I am no fan of GMA or Noli but let us uphold the constitution. Sorry to tell all of you aspirants to the most wanted 25,000 peso job in the world -- whether you like it or not, it is and will always be the Vice President who will replace the President.

I can give you a long list of these aspirants until I am blue in the face but it wont change the fact that you are one and the same. All trapos. It just so happened that GMA is stupid enough to be wiretapped and you "clean" trapos were not.

If you can not offer a solution, you are part of the problem.

Our problem is beyond GMA. You have to acknowledge that.

It's My Life

"It's a beautiful life." whispered the steady rythm of the waves to my heart. And I believe that. I love watching the tides come in, I love being able to look up and see the big sky, I love the warm feel of the sand on my feet, I love the beautiful drive home, I love all the things that most people do not enjoy, nor see.

I love my life in Samui.

To all my friends who ocassionally wonder about how I am doing, I am fine.

It took me a while to say that. During my first few months here, I felt so far away from the life that I've always known.

I tried to convince myself that I don't live in a city anymore. I wouldn't be able to know what's in and what's not, who got this job in this big shot firm or who are still bums, who dates who and who broke up with who, what's the newest MNG trend, who drives which car, who's spotted in greenbelt with who, who hangs in which bar and the list goes on. Most of all, I wont be having any new age philo crap conversations anymore with people my age, who on a larger scheme of things, don't really know squat about life yet. They think they do, they think they got it all figured out. In the city, coolness is to be able to stand out physically, mentally, socially. Tough luck here. Nobody really cares.

Bottom line is, life is not always greener on the other side of the fence. I wouldn't imagine myself anywhere else right now.

Here, everything is real. And being real is truly the beautiful life.

Fast forward fifty years of my life and someone walks up to me and asks, "Were you able to live your life exactly the way you've wanted?"

Hell ya.

_____________________________________________________________________

The Irony of a Lie

As a little girl, I used to say things as they are.

When someone asks me what color an orange was, I’d say orange. I won’t embellish it, nor complicate it. There is no yellow orange, or greenish orange or what-have-you.
It’s what they call the ‘plain and simple truth’.

If there is such a thing in the ‘real world’, as us, ‘real people, call it.

Going through life as I have had, I realized that the truth isn’t always plain and simple. In fact, sometimes, it is the very thing that makes life so complicated. It is sometimes the very thing that makes life so miserable to live. So for people who can’t face the truth but they don’t want to stop living, they lie.

What is it about the truth that drives some to the wall? What is it about a lie that makes some people live it as if it were the truth?

Maybe, lies are safer. The Truth is boring. Lies allow us to indulge. They feed our minds with such lofty aspirations of the kind of life we want to live. Some people lie because they conceal something that can cost them their current happiness. For some, it is worth it. They deliberately mistake commitment and character for “seizing the moment”. They argue, they can’t buy momentarily happiness. So they just grab the moment and fool themselves into thinking that they are not lying, they are living in the moment. Bullshit.

Some even call a lie that brings about something good, a white lie. A white lie, apparently, is man’s armor against pain, against suffering, against having to deal with it. It cushions the blow of an impending heartache. There are lies that are told out of kindness. Lies that are told out of pity. There are lies that are told out of lust, of desire, and sometimes, in its most ironic form -- told out of love.

It is indeed profound to think how a lie is brought about by love. Somehow, I’m starting to believe that love sometimes pushes us to lie. In that very moment of truth, we’d rather shield our loved one from experiencing the pain of knowing the truth than have them pay for the lie that we, ourselves, have caused. Often times, our loved ones can not afford to pay for our lies.

Even more ironic is that our forgiveness for that lie is made possible also because of love. As puzzling as it may sound, it happens every single day.

Lies, I believe make us more human. It defines the very imperfection that lies in every human being.

Don’t get me wrong here, the act of lying itself doesn’t make me a better human but the desire to bring out the truth in every lie does. It is always how one handle these loop holes that make character and integrity of a person shine through.

After all, we are not always defined by our single and isolated actions but by the collection of a life that we are living and want to live.

I have learned. I have seen. I have felt. I have believed – more often that not, people do not say things as they are for a multitude of reasons. So don’t despair, put yourself through the test and you will then realize that there is a light that shines through every lie.

'You have been weighed, measured, and found wanting..."

That phrase came from one of my most favorite contemporary films - A Knight's Tale. I never really realized what it meant 'till Tuesday morning.

WALLS OR BRIDGES?

After a series of heated confrontations with those b-efficient people from the HIGH-NOSED COMMISION of Australia in Bangkok regarding the delay in the processing of my visa, I decided to wait. I waited until the day they promised that my passport and hopefully my visa will finally arrive.

As I restlessly tried to concentrate with my work that morning, I couldn't help but glance through my window and take silent moments to listen if there would be a Honda Dream sound outside our parking area which would mean that the post man has arrived - thus, my passport and or visa's arrival.

...and voila, Mr. Bad news came with the letter that read the haunting words, "I regret to inform you..." I didn't even dare finish reading the letter. I've been judged. Period.

I wasn't a 'genuine tourist they say. What the hell do these rednecks know about my genuine intentions to see their country? I feel like a verdict was already given without even giving me a chance to breathe! Above all things, that sucked the most.

On the other hand, I'd like to think that I can't take it personally.

I think that all these visa politicraping broohaha is just all about power tripping and discrimination. Man, I wish there is a place in this world where you could read, "rights for sale, here", and I would buy them all.

I guess being a Filipino is inherited with, even more than culture and tradition, a bad world image.

Sure you will hear very isolated cases of these "filipino heroes, or filipino idols" that get overly celebrated and sensationalized back home only for the benefit of entertaining our very easily entertained people. Of course, if you compile all these stories, it can make up for a "good reputation." Whatever that means for a Filipino.

I guess that all these anger inside me is just coming from the fact that Australia judged me as a person with no genuine intentions to travel in Australia. They closed their doors upon my desire to see their country.

Why doesn't it go both ways I wonder? I have recently found out that the Philippines accept all nationalities for a reasonable sight-seeing time of 21 days provided that you are not coming from a Middle Eastern or some Terrorist harbouring country that could be a threat to our peaceful???(or already unpeaceful one?? -- you choose).

On the other hand, Filipinos are NOT accepted freely in major countries of the world! We would either need, enough guts to bribe these consulates, forge our documents to provide proper evidence that we are indeed a genuine tourist, or just follow the normal procedure and be accepted/rejected. In most cases, they experience the latter.

I totally lost all respect to tourism adverts. Its a piece of money-making bull@!&^. This disrespect is especially to countries who brag about how beautiful and exciting their country is but denies a person who 'bought' their ad. Please, spare us all these crap. Just let the world know who you'd like as visitors and I will keep my mouth shut. Don't pretend like you are a non-discriminatory nation by allowing everybody to apply.

You took my money, and I didn't get my visa. There wasn't any transaction after all, was there?

It really came to me that I am a Filipino and the world is not available to me.

Or maybe, the world is not yet ready for me. Either way, I wouldn't know until people stop building walls and start making bridges.

SLOBS

This is just great. I am now virtually bound to my Blog.

My gawd, I even remember talking about 'freedom' in my pilot entry. And now, I feel as if I have to write about anything eventhough I haven't finished cooking all these ideas in my head yet. If I don't give in to this, I'll have a guiltful weekend.
Talk about recurring blogdictionitisitis -- yep, I'm not just a junkaholic, im a self-confessed blogaholic too. EGADS.

hang on, my head is working now! It just did, now! Yey! A classic case of looking at the brighter side. ;) (Ive just been inspired by my HRC's ranting about this certain person...I'm sick of it too.)

JUST ANOTHER BRICK IN THE WALL

Decency. I really like that word. I often catch myself saying that with so much conviction.

"If you won't do this, please have the decency to..."
"Don't you have the decency to at least..."
"Be decent enough to respect..."
or sometimes, i just utter, "No social decency." with matching tsk tsk motion of the head.

I think that if only all people live that word, the world will be so much simpler. I do not have to spend 50 years of my life to understand that word. I've met several people who has no idea whatsoever of that word its frustratingly pathetic. And i think that one frustrated person adds up to a less-likeable world.

I really think it just boils down to its mother word, respect. So technnically, respect should already be a given value before you can even talk about the word decency.

I remember one of the angriest moments of my life was when i was in high school and a friend of mine didn't show up for a supposedly important meeting. I was infuriated because I could not for the life of me understand why we all have planned it for the longest time, and he will just not show up! After three days, he explained himself.

I mean come on, if 3 people agreed about a certain time to meet, it is understood that, all three of us (assuming i'm one of them) would adjust our time and officially alot that specific time to realize the agreement at that specific time.

Now, if I were to be compromised with something else, and I don't show up -- it can mean all these things:

1) I don't respect your time.
2) I don't care about you, or your effort to go out of your way just to be there.
3) I have just inconvenienced two people who have purposely chose to be there that meant it was more important to them to be there than to do something else. And I'm not even aware of it.
4) Implicitly, I have told you, "I have a more important thing to do than to be with you guys, and I don't respect you because I did not inform you that I am not coming."
5) You should start thinking, "why the hell are you friends with such a rude person like me?"

Being rude doesn't just mean you give attitude. It's when you show no respect of other people's time.
I'm telling you, decency is a word that can define a persons character. It can be a telling factor on wether you are a good person, over all, or not.

You get my respect and a lot of other people's too, if you are a decent person.

Otherwise, you're just another brick in the wall for me.